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While I always do things for someone to be happy, I forgot that it’s me who needs happiness badly…
There wasn't anything that appealing with a cup of tea with its boring brownish tint of hot liquid. Its smell used to have the ability to sooth and calm the nerves but it wasn’t that effective at the the moment. Ironic enough, her eyes were caught by its boring hue, which was vaguely similar to the color of the Mahogany table, and her nose was held captive by something else that lingered in the cool air conditioned room.
Ella Chen adjusted her blouse so that it hung comfortably around her petite frame. Her hands tightened their own hold of the cup of tea she decided to give to her friend. He had not asked for it but she knew better than to wait for him to do so. She knew well what he needed when. She did not know why she always had concern and care for him. She couldn’t just control herself. She wanted to show him just how much more he deserved and to help him overcome his previous heartbreak with the woman who didn’t even leave him with a valid reason or excuse for abandoning him. Apparently, she didn’t even give him a single breath of it at all.
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she walked over and placed the tea gently at her friend’s office table. Once she straightened her back, she stared at her friend. She couldn’t help but sigh remorsefully at the forlorn expression he had on his handsome face. His gorgeous eyes were drooped in longing and his broad shoulders were slumped in depression.
Ella Chen gulped sympathetically. She wanted to comfort him but there was nothing she could do. She knew that her presence could only make matters worse for him.
“Mr. Wu …” she started with noticeable uncertainty, “… is there something you may want me to do for you?” Her eyes were reaching out to him; her brows knotted in genuine worry and concern. However, her friend was just too preoccupied to see it.
He looked at her uncertainly, as if he just woke up from a deep dream. “Oh uhm… may you please cancel all my meetings today?” he breathed in, “I just…” and out again, “I don’t think I’m in the proper state of mind to handle company matters,” he said while looking into her eyes, finally noticing her presence.
Ella Chen nodded gently. Reluctantly, she headed to her cubicle and did as she was told. After she finished her task, she sighed yet again. Her eyes trailed to the lost man through the glass window that separated her cubicle from his office. She could only look at him and let her emotions consume her whole being when no one was watching. She couldn’t risk him knowing about it. She couldn’t risk her heart because she knew that she couldn’t handle the rejection that may come with it.
She had stayed in the company for as long as he had. She had been his Secretary since his father had announced him as the new CEO of the company. Apparently, she already had her eyes on him since the first time she saw him. She had spent quite a number of times imagining how amazing it would be to be held in his arms and shielded from the claws of the harsh world. She imagined kissing him and how it would be beyond comparison to the joy that winning a lottery may bring. She imagined holding his hand and breathing in his scent and how it would give her a glimpse of heaven.
But it was as far as her imaginations could get. She knew that she wasn’t what her friend could consider as a potential life-mate. And she knew that she was the only one who had constantly labeled him as a friend, though he never considered her more than an acquaintance; a subordinate.
Her heart ached for him. She thought stepping aside and watching him fall for another woman was terribly painful. She thought seeing him fall for her friend was the beginning of an apocalypse to her small world – a world where she made him her King. She thought agreeing to bridge the gap between her friend and her boss was like being tortured and stabbed continuously by a blunt blade. She thought she couldn’t live watching them so happy and sweet together. She thought eating dinner alone in a local diner with nothing in mind but the image of her friend and her boss in a romantic dinner for two was like being a prisoner in her own body.
But no – they were nothing compared to the pain she was feeling now. It was as if there were thorns punctured all over her heart. And at every turn, the thorns dug deeper into her heart but not giving it permission to bleed. At least during those past agonizing moments of her life, he was happy. Even if he was with another woman, with her friend, he was happy. She’d rather see him happy with someone else than see him being rapidly reduced to skin and bones because of pain and depression.
And what was killing her most of all was that she couldn’t do anything for him to make him feel any better. She couldn’t…
She wanted to reach out and comfort him. She wanted to offer him her shoulder and show him how much she cared – how much she had always cared about him. She wanted to make him feel special. She wanted to tell him how amazing of a man he was; that the girl he loved would be the luckiest woman of all.
That was what one part of her wanted.
But the other Ella Chen wanted to tell him that she was here. She wanted to make him understand that she loved him and that she would do just about anything to make him love her too. She wanted to show him just how much she loved him and that she would never hurt him; that she would cherish him just the way he deserved to be; that she would always be loyal and faithful to him; that he would be the only man in her life. She wanted to tell him that she had always been here all along and she had been waiting for him in the dark all along. She wanted to tell him that she had been silently wishing that he could love her too.
Blinking away the tears that were starting to gather in her eyes, she went back to her boss’ office.
“I already cancelled all your appointments, Mr. Wu,” she said gently, “is there anything else?” She bit her lip anxiously and chastised herself for doing so. She couldn’t add up to the problems her boss had been having.
“It’s okay. You may leave now,” he said in a barely audible voice. Seeing him so helpless was tearing her apart. But for the time being, Ella Chen knew that the best way to help her boss was not bothering him by her presence. With a heavy heart, she bowed her head and got ready to head out.
“Ms. Chen,” he called out just as she was about to open the glass door.
Reluctantly, she looked at him, “Yes, Sir?” She went back inside his office and waited for him to speak.
“I…” he started vaguely. “I just wanted to ask if you’ve… seen Heb – her,” he uttered, pain was evident in his hoarse voice. He looked at her; his eyes full of helpless hope. It broke her heart for she knew that her answer might break his as well.
Sighing, she said, “I’m sorry Sir. I haven’t seen her. We lost our communication too after the two of you… well,” she bowed her head to hide her remorseful gaze. She really was useless when it came to him.
“Oh… I see,” his despondent face made her feel even worse. She couldn’t even begin to name the horrible web of feelings that were eating at her consciousness.
“I’m really sorry Mr. Wu. It’s my fault,” Ella Chen bit her lower lip, not chastising herself this time for she already ran out of options on how to stop her tears from completely spilling from her eyes.
Smiling weakly, her boss muttered, “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. Our relationship is… was not your concern. In fact I thank you.” The sincerity that laced his deep voice caused the longing in her heart to burn a bright shade of red. “Thank you Ms. Chen. The past two years had been the most wonderful moments of my life. Though I didn’t expect things to end this way—” he choked on a sob because of overflowing emotions. Nonetheless, he went on, “Thank you for introducing me to her. I don’t hold any regrets.”
Ella’s heart pounded on her body and she could feel the thorns digging deeper into her heart. How could he say that? Why was it that he always said things that could make her love him more?
Why?
Why did he prefer being hurt and abandoned by Hebe than to be with her? She knew she was not gorgeous enough, not sophisticated enough, not confident enough but… he really did rather be hurt by Hebe? Was it because being hurt by Hebe was better than being with someone like her?
“I... I don’t know what to say Mr. Wu. I’d better head back to my cubicle…” Ella said, not having the strength to hold on to hope any longer. She bowed politely and turned to go; her knees were literally weak.
She closed the door behind her quietly and placed a hand in her chest, over her heart. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She had waited for him for eight years. She had done just about everything for him. She had imagined all sorts of things with him. She even got as far as stepping back and watching him and her friend fall for each other. She even helped them. And until now, she was still the one whose faith and love for him hadn’t faltered one bit. Despite everything that had happened, she was still willing to wait for him.
And despite everything that happened, his treatment on her hadn’t changed.
He was her boss and she could only ever be his subordinate.
An acquaintance.
Nothing more but could be less than that.
She closed her eyes as she wished for the pain to stop radiating throughout her body. Her hands fisted in a helpless attempt to control her emotions from getting the best of her. The ringing of the company telephone caught her attention and she had to take several deep breaths to conceal the tightness in her throat.
“Good morning. Mr. Wu’s office; how may I help you?” she recited the same script, feigning enthusiasm in her voice as she did so.
She listened and couldn’t help but linger her gaze to the handsome man in black office suit a few meters from her. She watched as he reached out a hand to trace lovingly the feature of the person on the picture frame he was holding. Her eyes misted. She knew who it was.
The call ended before she knew it. Silently, she wished she didn’t miss an important detail. She muttered some gratitude and waited for the person on the other line to end the call before settling the phone herself on its cradle.
She waited for the fax machine to finish printing.
Thursday. Three days from now. A two-day meeting at Kaohsiung with the Chairman of the board of directors, Mr. Harold Wu. Two days that may help him forget about Hebe. And she promised that she will do everything to help him forget about her.
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